I wanted to write this Sunday night, and then Monday, and then Tuesday. Talk about games, life, being excited about finally hanging The Hobbit diet pictures above the sofa in the main room. However, I could not get my head in the right frame of mind and every time I started thinking about writing I knew it would become a blog that even I would look back and go what am I writing about.
Well it is Wednesday and I am still not in my proper head space but that is part of who I am. I am not always in a great place, and sometimes my negative self talk is so in my own way that I can not push myself out of it. That is who I am, I am not perfect, and sometimes the blog is going to be down because not everything is video games and board games, and joyful joyness.
So what do I do when I know of something that I don’t like about myself, but the cause of that trait is something ingrained over years of negative people in my life. Recently I have been told by a couple different people that I take things to personal, and one person even said that I ruined something that they enjoyed because of that trait. This got me really spiralling into self-doubt because I realize that fact about me and I don’t know how to change it.
I didn’t always used to be this way, and as a result I let people blindly make fun of me and talk about me all because I thought they were just joking. I didn’t make it personal, it wasn’t me they did that with everyone, they were that way with everyone, eventually my eyes opened up and I realized I had been the joke, the amusement and I flipped the other way. Trust was something that was earned and easily lost. Friendship was something I held on to tightly because I didn’t want to be hurt anymore.
This however did not fix the problem, it created a new one with the risidual self-esteem issues of the first one. I apologize about everything, I say sorry if I have to ask someone to move out of the way. I feel enormous guilt after apologizing for something I do do wrong, that I apologize over and over and over again for it. I will instantly jump to the conclusion that I am purposely excluded for insert reason they hate me here. I get painful, stomach wrenching anxiety, whenever I have a conversation with someone where I even perceive that they might be upset with or get upset up with. I generally will plaster on that smile, say everything is fine, and force myself to fake it until it is.
However, if I consider you a friend I will forgive you for pretty much anything, most likely past the point where forgiveness is acceptable. I will support you even when I don’t agree with your decision. I will admit I am wrong. I will stay up with you until the middle of the night if you need me to because you are having a bad day.
Eventually, I open up to my friends, it may take me time, and people may learn bits and pieces, but it does happen. I just ask that my friends don’t be offended by that. Don’t think that I don’t want you know about me, but realize that it is painful to open up, in the past it was used against me by people I thought were friends. Other times I don’t open up because people preferred the picture of me as this happy person with so much going on for myself. It was easier being disappointed in lost opportunities or misunderstandings than shattering peoples perceptions.
One person knows everything I keep pressed down, and I married that person. I don’t hide information, I wouldn’t ever lie to someone if they asked, but I don’t offer it up, that isn’t who I am, doing that makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I guess this turned into the blog I was worried about, sad and down that I wouldn’t want to read, but I needed to write it. I don’t know how to get myself out of this funk at times, but I do know that eventually it happens, eventually the switch in my brain goes, you can and will get out of this sadness. Now the skills I teach, help me change my thought process, which I guess is a good practice what I preach mentality.
Today I start changing it around, I know I can’t stop taking things personal right away, too much internal monologue occurs to make that go away completely. But I can get myself back in the right frame of mind to be able to logically think about things, to use reason again.
Right now I am trying to play Smash Up with only one deck of cards, its time to choose my other set and kick this mood in the butt.